I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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