my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
it was like his penis was on wheels.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
