Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
