found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
So vagazzling was a success
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
