Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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