if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
it hurts more in the daytime
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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