8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
