i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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