I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
