I wish I could teleport
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
