I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
