i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize