I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
