why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
