I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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