I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
