you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
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