I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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