Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
