What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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