I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Randomize
