Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
