Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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