I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Come share oat with me in your robe
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
