i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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