I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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