just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
did you just send me my own nude
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
