Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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