ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
this boner is exhausting
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
