Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
