yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
