Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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