I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Randomize
