How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
