Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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