No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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