I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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