I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
