Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
