i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Randomize
