i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
