i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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