dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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