i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
