Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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