Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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