upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize