i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
