I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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