I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
