I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
