The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
