You can't special order awesome
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
