I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
i think my cat just said my name.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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